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Name:
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HubCap
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Subject:
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Why Women Are Crabby
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Date:
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11/24/2009 4:30:43 AM
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We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to
>> find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds
>> hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously
>> uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap
>> until we had calluses on our backs.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
>> Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the
>> hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or
>> insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
>>
>>
>>
>> Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time
>> which was about as much fun as having a ramrod pushed up your uterus
>> through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
>> little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
>> about.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
>> crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day
>> leaning over Brother John . Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and
>> we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us
>> steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were
>> preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
>>
>>
>>
>> Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon
>> and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment
>> arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in
>> the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet,
>> moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while theOBsays, 'Please
>> stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good
>> push' (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch
>> the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a
>> wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
>>
>>
>>
>> After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that
>> when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed
>> into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little
>> poop machines.
>>
>>
>> Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?
>>
>>
>> When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual
>> prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th
>> birthday.
>>
>>
>>
>> So we progress into the grand finale: 'Menopause', the
>> Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in
>> those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat
>> like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the
>> head off anything that moves.
>>
>>
>>
>> Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when
>> men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to
>> pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
>>
>>
>> So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great
>> Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the 'weaker sex'? Yeah right.
>> Bite me.
>>
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