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Name:
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HubCap
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Subject:
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Sensible observations
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Date:
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10/17/2008 5:29:06 AM
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> > > > 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died > > > > peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the > > > > passengers in his car." > > > > --Author Unknown > > > > > > > > 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you > > > > get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: > > > > "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." > > > > --Author Unknown > > > > > > > > 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? > > > > There's a support group for that. > > > > It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." > > > > --Drew Carey > > > > > > > > 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's > > > > not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into > > > > doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, > > > > drop them off at the wrong house." > > > > -- Jeff Foxworthy > > > > > > > > 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball > > > > and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the > > > > infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." > > > > --Dave Barry > > > > > > > > 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and > > > > we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend > > > > wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. > > > > There should be severance pay, the day before they leave > > > > you, they should have to find you a temp." > > > > --Bob Ettinger > > > > > > > > 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took > > > > her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, > > > > 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" > > > > --Paula Poundstone > > > > > > > > 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have > > > > better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the > > > > authors of that study: "Duh." > > > > --Conan O'Brien > > > > > > > > 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm > > > > halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... > > > > I could be eating a slow learner." > > > > --Lynda Montgomery > > > > > > > > 10) "I think this is how Chicago got started: Bunch of > > > > people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime > > > > and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. > > > > Let's go west.'" > > > > --Richard Jeni > > > > > > > > 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the > > > > impersonators would be dead." > > > > --Johnny Carson > > > > > > > > 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." > > > > --Paul Rodriguez > > > > > > > > 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , > > > > but they turned sixty and that's the law." > > > > --Jerry Seinfeld > > > > > > > > 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in > > > > case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line > > > > from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? > > > > What, do tall people burn slower?" > > > > --Warren Hutcherson > > > > > > > > 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. > > > > Monogamy is the same." > > > > --Oscar Wilde > > > > > > > > 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a > > > > member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." > > > > --Mark Twain > > > > > > > > 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. > > > > At least they can find Afghanistan " > > > > --A. Whitney Brown > > > > > > > > 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, > > > > and the dog will give you a look that says, > > > > 'My God, you're right! > > > > I never would've thought of that!'" > > > > --Dave Barry > > > > > > > > 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? > > > > Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. > > > > --Unknown, presumed deceased > > > > > > > > 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. > > > > I believe I'll have another beer." > > > > - W. C. Fields
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