For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
and Groanophiles (Lovers of Puns)
 
 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 
 2. A will is a dead giveaway.
 
 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
 
 4. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts;  in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
 
 6. When a chicken crosses the road, it's poultry in motion.
 
 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
 
 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
 
 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
 
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
 
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor inFranceresulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  
14. Local Area Network inAustralia: The LAN down under.
  
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
  
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
 
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  
21. When a short fortuneteller escapes from prison look for a small medium at large.
  
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  
23.  When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  
28.Acupuncture: a jab well done.
  
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
  
30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
  
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  
38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  
39.Atheismis a non-prophet organization.
  
40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.. One hat said to the other,
"You stay here, I'll go on a head."   

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me!
  
42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
  
43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was  taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
  
44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  
45. When cannibals eat a missionary, they get a taste of religion.
  
46. Don't join dangerous cults: Always practice safe sects.