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Name:
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MAJ USA RET
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Subject:
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A Case for Global Warming
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Date:
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10/17/2009 3:07:31 PM
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Ten Thousand years ago, there was no Chesapeake Bay. There was only the Susquehanna River, running in a gorge, in a southeasterly direction. It passed through a gigantic 35 million year old crater called the “Exmore Crater”.
During this time period, there was a land bridge between what are now Siberia and Alaska. Humans came across the land bridge and began such heinous environmental travesties such as killing and eating animals and lighting fires. They even burned down forests for farm land and to chase animals out where they could be gruesomely and inefficiently killed with spears, and slings… and by falling to their bone crunching, twitching deaths over cliffs (later to be captured in mesmerizing art by the conquering, invading imperialists from the east who had to use boats because there was no convenient land bridge.)
But I get ahead of myself.
After a few thousand years the Sibero-Alaskan undocumented immigrants showed up on the Atlantic Coast of the vast continent which was a few tens of miles east of present day Virginia Beach. Now, these unrestrained but noble undocumented immigrants continued to indiscriminately play with fire and butcher the animals. I can understand that they took up fishing, but one wonders which one of them swallowed the first oyster from a half shell without a single precious drop of Tabasco, which at that time was also a place next to a crater and populated by undocumented immigrants who were experimenting with corn and tomatoes and syphilis, which they would later trade, for small pox, with the boat people from the east.
Again I am distracted.
So… the Susquehanna people, whom somebody dubbed the Mattaponi, Upper-Mattaponi, Nansemond, Pamonkey, Rappahannock, Powhattan and the Chickahominy (not a menu item) continued to burn fires – especially camp fires – and cook animals (except oysters - no breading). Their smoke spiraled into the sky and Mother Nature (NOT to be confused with the Great White Father), seeing it, took umbrage at such malfeasant usage of lightning and friction. She converted what had heretofore been a simple, ubiquitous gas - carbon dioxide – into a “greenhouse gas”.
Now, greenhouses had not been invented yet, so this misappropriation of the theory went unnoticed by the ignorant undocumented Sibero-Alaskan immigrants, who had by then saturated and dominated the native pop… oops! bad logic.
Anyway, Mother Nature decided to punish the perps by using the smoke from their fires to warm the atmosphere – via the “greenhouse effect” - to melt the glaciers. Soon the sea began to rise, almost a meter per 100 years (1303.57 moons)… well, there weren’t any meters in those years, so hip high per 1303.57 moons.
So the great and vast eastern horizon moved closer to the immigrants who now had become Native Americans (naturalized). Soon, the Susquehanna filled up and the part where you could swim across moved up to a place which would later be named after a descendent of the eastern boat people named Bill Penn.
Exmore hadn’t been invented yet, so the natives had to have a name for the huge and growing wide spot in their river. God only knows why they called it the Chesapeake. Perhaps it means “big pond with lots of boogers on the half shell”. AND, we do not know at what point the still savage natives began eating the big spider that lives in the water, moves sideways, and eats ANYTHING. But anyone who eats oysters raw can’t be too picky about their diet.
I have again digressed; this is not a gastronomic diatribe.
Well, NOW the global warming caused by all of that indiscriminate fire burning had caused much concern to the natives who were worried about property value along the river. Since walking and swimming were no longer viable, the distraught natives invented boats.
Actually, the discovery was serendipitous. The natives were having a barbecue and needed a long fire so they built one in a log. After the party, someone noticed that the barbeque pit could be put in the water and swimming could be affected without getting wet. For a significant period of time barbecue pit paddlers held on to the skill of swimming until they got the hang of it.
Arggghhh ! I’m having trouble staying on topic!
By this time, everything east of what would later be called Suffolk by the eastern boat people, was infested by that harbinger of global warming, the mosquito - a term already in use by their Tobascan brothers (uh… and seesters). Mosquitoes are like deer flies… only smaller and higher pitched… and unlike deer flies, prefer nocturnal feeding.
The cliffs of Suffolk began caving into the great river. There, the natives discovered layers of coarse sand and gravel containing millions of teeth – lots of teeth. So, they knew the jig was up. Mother Nature had, once before punished a great race by flooding their environment. The teeth were sharp and pointy which led to the supposition that the earlier great race did not eat oysters. But, what really concerned the natives – was that they could find no evidence of fire!
The earlier great race must have eaten ALL of their food raw.
Never mind… ask the inventor of the internet.
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