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	Name:	architect -
	Subject:	Tools
	Date:	9/29/2010 8:55:15 PM

This is a handy if partial list of tools and their actual function:

1/    DRILL PRESS: A tall vertical machine used to suddenly snatch flat metal bar stock out of the operator's hand in a manner that smacks him in the chest and slings his beer can across the room into the freshly painted project he had carefully put in the corner for safety.

2/    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to quickly cut 2x4 studs exactly 1" too short.

3/    PLIERS: Used to round off the head of bolts. Also excellent for use in raising blood blisters.

4/    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonley used to convert minor touch up jobs into major refinishing projects.

5/    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principal...It transforms human energy into a crooked and unpredictable motion. Typically, the more you attempt to influence its course the more off course it goes.

6/    VICE GRIPS: Usually used after pliers (see 3 above) to finish the rounding off of bolt heads. They are also sometime used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7/    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: A device used to set fire to almost any flammable object in the shop.

8/    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool used to launch wood projectiles at the shop walls to test the coefficient of penetration of the walls.

9/    BAND SAW: A large power cutter used render large aluminum sheet material into smaller pieces which more easily fit into the trash bin. This is typically accomplished by cutting on the inside of the guideline rather than the outside.

10/   TWO TON ENGINE HOIST: A device used to test the tensile strength of everything which you failed to disconnect.

11/   PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Once used to punch holes in the tops of motor oil cans with the resulting splashing of oil on your new shirt. With today's use of twist off oil containers, this tool has reverted to its original function...stripping out phillips head screws.

12/   STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Also used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable anchors and for butchering the palm of your hand.

13/   HAMMER: Once used as a weapon of war. Now used a a type of devining tool to locate the most expensive and easily damaged areas immediately adjacent to the object you are intending to hit.

14/   UTILITY KNIFE: Used to cut through the outside of cardboard packaging and into the contents of the package. Typical content items include vinyl or leather seats, collectable magazines, plastic bottles of acid and refund checks.

15/   WRENCHES: Steel bars with various size and shaped openings at one or both ends designed to fit over protusions to either tighten or loosen them. They always slip off resulting in busted knuckles.

16/   SON OF A BI#CH TOOL: This can be any handy tool that is grabbed and thrown across the room while yelling "Son of a bi#ct" as loudly as possible. This usually occurs immediately after smashing you thumb while using the hammer (see 13 above).

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Tools - architect - 9/29/2010 8:55:15 PM

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