My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my
b
agpipes.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead
!
"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen#s she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening. "
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.