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| Name: |
LifeTime Laker
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/2/2006 6:26:15 PM
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HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.
At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an
engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.
At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to
figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about
how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an
NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer.
At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.
At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss
how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two
to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and
talk about how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two
to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".
At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and
roll toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.
At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
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Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically
different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip
South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in
the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are
for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Guliani
SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, HERSHEL WALKER Bo Jackson
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and
purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and
put name on waiting list for tickets.
Monday Classes After a Saturday Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they
have to prepare for classes on Monday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few
hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the
weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to
where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and
wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast
from their campus.
Tailgating
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio
station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied
by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over
during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's
third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it,
filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow son of a bitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in
his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the
nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's
game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of
Southern football!
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| Name: |
uflyifix
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/2/2006 9:36:51 PM
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29 days and counting! Warrrrr Eagle!
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| Name: |
jawjagal
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/2/2006 10:06:55 PM
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Ain't it the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Name: |
BigFoot
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/2/2006 10:08:54 PM
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Weagle, weagle.....war d--- eagle...kick 'em in the butt BIG BLUE!!!!!!
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| Name: |
Maddog
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/3/2006 6:53:32 PM
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How 'bout those Geooooooorgia Bulldogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Name: |
autiger
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/3/2006 9:02:17 PM
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WAR EAGLE
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| Name: |
babygirl
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/3/2006 10:51:42 PM
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DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Name: |
Smitty
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/4/2006 9:15:32 AM
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Go Bucknell!!
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| Name: |
BigFoot
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| Subject: |
Southern Football
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Date:
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8/4/2006 9:20:04 AM
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Smitty? Bucknell? Oh, what the h-e-l-l , GO BUCKNELL!
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| Name: |
jawjagal
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| Subject: |
Auburn picked #1
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Date:
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8/4/2006 9:50:46 AM
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The AJC picked Auburn to win the SEC. Kiss of death?????
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| Name: |
lamont
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| Subject: |
Auburn picked #1
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Date:
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8/4/2006 9:56:58 AM
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As long as Sports Illustrated does not pick us we're OK. Theirs is the strongest jinx in all of sports history.
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| Name: |
BigFoot
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| Subject: |
Auburn picked #1
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Date:
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8/4/2006 10:42:30 AM
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so true...so true........the sec writers/coaches, etc., has also picked AU to finish first in sec....................definitely a conspiracy!
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| Name: |
roswellric
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| Subject: |
Yes
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Date:
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8/6/2006 9:55:12 PM
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